Okay, so you must be confused as hell why I’m saying you have to look back to keep moving forward. “They” say you aren’t supposed to look back cause it will hurt you and stunt your growth? Doesn’t all the quotes say, “don’t look back you aren’t going that way?”
Yes, “they” say that, but what do you personally think?
For me, on a personal level, this is a yes and no answer. You should not look back on your life and wallow on all the bad crap you have gone through. This leads you down a rabbit hole of depression. No girlfriend you do not need to do that.
But you should look back on your past to see just how far you have come. View all those struggles, those heartaches, those bad experiences as lessons. Use them as a motivator to keep going and to keep moving forward. Check out my post on finding that inner strength here.
As I’m writing this I’m sitting in my own apartment on a hot summer night with the new Florence + Machine album playing in the background, my fairy lights all around me and a glass of wine by side. I have never felt such contentment in my life.
My life looks a hell of a lot of different than it did exactly a year ago.
Look back at the past
A year ago, I was living in my childhood bedroom at my parents’ house, a broken shell of my former self. Feeling like such a failure being back in that room. I had worked so hard to 1. get the hell out and 2. stay the hell out, so being back felt like all those years had meant nothing.
My credit score was shitty from old credit card debt from 6 plus years ago, I couldn’t pay for my student loans, my old apartment was in the home of my ex-in-laws and on top of all of that the car I drove wasn’t even in my name, but my ex’s.
Yes, I had a good job with a career under my belt, but I didn’t have shit to my name. I barely had a pot to piss in.
With all of that, I was still to trying to figure out why my marriage broke down. What didn’t I do that just wasn’t good enough? Why wasn’t I enough?
As you could see I was a wee bit of an emotional mess spiritual, mentally and financially.
Save for later!
The come up
After my surgery to remove a mass in my breast, I finally decided to get my shit together. I decided I was going to have a whole new life, one that I created all by myself. One that no one could say “I had because of them”.
Even though I didn’t want to live at my parent’s cause come on who at 32 really wants to live with their parents. I knew it was the best decision so I could save money.
After a bad fight with my ex who threaten to take my car away, I knew getting a car of my own was priority number one. That night I prayed to God and said I was ready for whatever he had in store for me – I was open. Please just help me.
The next day I received a call from a salesman at Lexus, who I had spoken to two months prior, who said he had a car for me. I went right in after work to see what they had. After two hours of negotiations, I was ready to walk. I could not rationalize paying almost $500 a month for a used car, even if it was a Lexus. When I was ready to walk, they offered me a deal I never thought possible.
They said “You seem like such a nice person, we want to make this happen for you. What if we can get you in a brand new 2017 IS300”. The first thing out of my mouth “bull shit”.
Next thing I know I was in the finance manager’s office telling me if I wanted the car he was going to make it happen. The next day I got the call my loan was approved, I could pick up my car that night.
Driving that car off the lot was probably one of the proudest moments of my life. This was my dream car – I had done it all on my own. 2 months before that I couldn’t even get a loan for a Hyundai without a huge down payment and a cosigner. Here I was driving a luxury car leased all on my own.
That night I prayed to God and said I was ready for whatever he had in store for me – I was open. Please just help me.
My apartment would come 4 months later.
The day after Thanksgiving after another bad fight with my ex (noticing a theme here) I went over to my sisters to vent. While there I found a listing for an apartment right in my hometown posted 30 minutes ago. I called right away for a viewing.
From the moment I met my landlady, we hit it right off. I felt a kindred spirit with her since she went through a similar situation to mine. When I was about to leave she gave me a big hug and said: “I hope you pick this place I think you would be happy here”.
I left unsure due to the apartment being a basement, something I did not want. After talking to my sister and best friend, who basically demolished all of my reasons not to take it, I called to say I wanted the apartment.
At first, I didn’t get it. I was crushed but just felt whatever was meant for me would be. A week later I received a call from Mrs. R explaining the other tenants fell through and if I was still interested. Of course, I accepted.
During the last week in December I moved into my own apartment.
I do not explain all of this to be flashy or boast about what I’ve done. I share it to motivate and inspire you to keep going. There is light at the end of the tunnel and if not light that bitch up yourself.
Just like you, I need motivation and inspiration to keep going myself. I look back on what I went through not to have a pity party, but to say “damn I went through all of that and I’m still here.
Better than ever.”
You can do this babe, I have faith in you. Use your pain as your fire.
As I always say, are you ready?