Aaaahhhh guys!! I have such exciting news! I’m finally able to share that I am officially divorced!!
When I found out I wanted to do backflips but I probably would have hurt myself LOL. I settled for a big ass glass of wine instead.
This is the end of a 2.5 year season. I’ve been reflecting over the last few days all I went through and where I am today. When we first separated I was so depressed and had no self love it was struggling each day to get out of bed. I wanted to do anything else but deal with life, but I knew I wanted better.
I decided to turn my divorce into one of the biggest comebacks of my life and babe did I glow the fuck up.
It’s crazy but I appreciate all the lessons learned because it helped me be the woman I am today.
Today I’m sharing the 6 lessons I learned while going through my own divorce.
Put Yourself First
This was something I struggled with over the years. I’m a Pisces and a giver. When I love there isn’t anything I won’t do, even if it’s not in my best interest. Issue with that: I was putting everyone else’s happiness ahead of my own.
I was giving and giving to everyone, but I was barely taking care of myself. Rather than disappointed or upset them, I stayed quiet which made me miserable.
When it all came crashing down I had been giving so much of myself away I barely had enough to pull myself back up. This was something I could no longer do. If I was going to be living my best life – I needed to put me first.
Now I live with the attitude of ‘no one gets to come before Verla’. My happiness is just has important as there’s and I need to make myself happy first.
If a situation or person isn’t in alignment then I will not do it or associate with them.
Simple as that.
Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries
Along with putting myself first, I had to learn better boundaries cause ya girl was lacking.
I needed to understand what I was available for and what I was no longer dealing with.
There were some hard truths and conversations I had to have with myself and others. I had to tell friends, family and associates where I stood with them on certain issues and what my boundaries were.
If I didn’t want to discuss an issue they needed to respect that, if I didn’t want to hear their opinion they had to respect that and if I needed to speak my truth then well – they had to respect that too.
See a pattern here??
Respect for yourself and others is so important when it comes to boundaries. You may not always like what the boundaries are but you need to respect them.
Silence is not a bad thing
This is the lesson that came to bite me in the ass on more than one occasion. The lesson of everyone does not need to know it all.
Let me repeat that again: Everyone doesn’t need to know it all.
When me and ex first split I was waaaaay to damn open with a lot of the gory details with my crew. At the time I was venting and upset and trying to understand what the hell just happened.
The issue: I gave away too much information that needed to be private.
We as women want to share all the problems and fights with our friends BUT that shouldn’t always be the case. My girls had my best interest at heart, but with them knowing so much information they were waaaay too involved in my breakup.
It was too much of you need to do this or you need to that do that – I was done with the chatter.
The issue wasn’t their opinions the issue was I allowed them to be that involved when they should not have been.
I should have kept more to myself because my oversharing gave them fuel to hate my ex even more. This caused issues between me and them because they were not down with me reconciling it out with him.
There should be respect between you and your significant other that certain situations will not be discussed with outsiders. People will give their opinion based on their life experiences which may not be in alignment with what YOU want deep down.
So keep some things under wraps and share when you are the right headspace – not out of anger.
Not Everyone Has Your Back
Sigh. Man or man this is the lesson I didn’t see coming and probably the most hurtful. Everyone doesn’t have your back and will leave you when shit gets rough.
When you are going through some real shit you see who is with you and who is not. Not everyone is a true friend and they will not stand by you when you fall.
I’ve lost a lot of friends and saw true colors of family members. The decision to them cut all of them out of my life was easy. They did not ride with me when I was broken, they do not get to stand with me when I got back up.
But, I appreciate this lesson.
Instead of getting revenge, I chose to bless and release and move on with my life. Them leaving allowed me to remove them from my life.
My circle got smaller, but a hell of a lot stronger.
Letting Go is Hard to Do
There came a point I realized I needed to get off the emotional roller coaster that was my ex. Dealing with his up and down emotions was no longer healthy for my mental health.
It was time to let go of him and start moving on with my life. That’s when I officially filed for divorce.
This took some time to come to get to that decision. A part of me was hoping he would get it together, but he never did. Waiting for him to figure it out was keeping me stuck in a bad situation.
I had to remove what was hurting my soul and move the fuck on.
Self Love Warrior
There was a moment when I looked in the mirror and didn’t like the way I looked. I stood there beating myself up with horrible thoughts of “I’m so fat, I’m getting so old, I’m not fun to be around – that’s why he left you….”
Self love smh I was so broken down I didn’t know what the hell that was.
Part of my healing was to learn how to love myself again. It was hard to stop with all the negative self talk in my head. It had been swirling around so long I didn’t know how to make it stop.
Instead of dealing, I ignored it instead.
At first, I thought if I lost the weight everything would make sense and I would be happy. And yes losing 40 pounds made me incredibly happy but I still had a shitty mindset. Looking in the mirror I still saw myself as overweight and not fully happy.
That’s when I realized you could be doing all the things but if your mind is still sick you aren’t going to get better. I had to learn how to love myself: mind, body and spirit.
This opened me up to start reading personal development books, going back church to reclaim my faith and studying holistic approaches to better my health.
Each step, every change, every set back help me start to heal and learn how to love myself again.
The Next Chapter
Even though this has been the roughest, most heartbreaking season of my life – I don’t regret it.
I became a better version of myself I had no clue was even possible. That would not have happened if I wasn’t removed from a situation that was hurting my soul.
My experiences have helped lead me down the path to experience my true calling and I can not wait to fully step into it.
When you are in the trenches going through it nothing makes sense. Until you wake up one day and realized you had to go endure to be exactly where and who you need to be to step into your truth.
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